Starkiller Productions: Random Game Stuff

Just clearing out my forum on .org, so a lot of this is either not going to make sense or whatever.  I don’t care. *toss*The Legend of the Pervert: A Link to the Whore
Game Script

Basic Game Messages
Death
*Save and Continue
*Save and Quit
*Screw Saving and Continue

Door with follower message
*You can’t enter with something blowing you.

Signs
* I will give 100 Rupees to the man who finds the descendants of the dwarves.   THE KING
* [link Face]  WANTED!  This is the pervert who kidnapped Zelda. Call a soldier if you see him!
*      DANGER! Do not enter Death Mountain without the King’s permission!
* This way to the      Slut’s Woods
*            DANGER! Beware of deep water and Zora!
* Welcome to the Drug Shop. The Waterfall Of Pimping is just ahead.
* This cave leads to the path back to Kraporiko Village.
* This way [Down]          Lake Hylia          Shop
* This way [ Left ]          Kraporiko Village
* This way [ Left ]          Desert Of Lesbians
* This way [Up] [ Right ]          Drug Shop          Waterfall Of Pimping
* This way [ Right ] Eastern Brothel This way [ Left ] Hyrule Castle
*          Lake Hylia
* Pay no attention to the average middle-aged man standing by this sign. Leave him alone!
*  The House Of Wood A. Buttfucker and B. Buttfucker
* This way [Down]        Kraporiko Village
* If you have enough time to read this sign, you should go to the goal immediately!
* I’ll give a piece of Heart to the person who wears the Cape.
* Curses to anyone who throws sex toys into my circle of stones.
* This way [Up] Skeleton Forest This way [Down] Village Of Losers
*  This way [ Right ] Cave
*  This way [ Right ] Palace Of Anal Rape
*  This way [ Left ] Bomb Shop
* [ Left ]  Swamp Of Urkel          No Entrance          No Escape
* This is the Village Of Losers. People without Rupees are not welcome here.
* The Waterfall Of Pimping is just around the corner.
* This way [ Right ][Up] Lake Of Ill Omen

Acquiring Items
* You got the Lamp! Now you can see up girl’s skirts in darkness.
* You got the Boomerang! Snag Zelda’s panties!  (To select an item, press the Start Button.)
* You found the Orgasmatron! You can shoot sperm until you run out!
* You borrowed a shovel! You can dig in many places. You’ll probably waste your time!
* This is the Magic Cape! You are invisible when you wear it! Go be a voyeur!
* This is Crack Powder! Try to sprinkle it on enemies and many other things!
* You bought Zora’s Flippers! With these you should be able to swim even in deep water!
* You got the Power Glove! You can feel strength in both hands! You can pick up and carry whores now!
* You won the Condom of Porno!  Take it to Mesotiny! Two Condoms remain!
* You won the Condom of Leather! Your goal of finding three Condoms is in sight! Go for the last one!
* You won the Condom of Rubber! With this, you have collected all three Condoms!  Go now to the Slut’s Woods to get the Master Dildo!
* A hallucinogenic Mushroom! HELL YEAH! You can give this to anyone who wants it (Select it and press the [Y] Button).
* You found the Book of Mudora! You can use it to read the ancient Porn Mags of the Hylia!
* You found the Moon Pearl! This protects The Hero from the changing effects of the Golden Porno.
* You found the Compass! Now you can pinpoint the lair of the brothel’s evil dominatrix!
* You got the Map! You can use it to see your current position and the rest of the brothel (Press [X]).
* You found the Ice Rod! Its chill magic freezes balls! But watch your Magic Meter!
* You found the Fire Rod! Now you can burn cocks! But watch your Magic Meter!
* This is the Ether Medallion! Its magic lets loose a mighty fart of massive proportions! Watch your Magic Meter!
* This is the Bombos Medallion! Its magic makes the ground blow! Watch your Magic Meter!
* This is the Quake Medallion! Its magic causes the ground[3]to tremble with your orgasmic might! Watch your Magic Meter!
* You got the Magic Hammer! You can drive wooden cocks down where they belong! You can use it to pound on other things too!
* Oh!  Here is the Flute! Its music can seduce many whores!
* You got the Cane of Pimping! It will be very helpful if you make proper use of it! What a mysterious cane!
* BOING! This is the Penis Pump! It extends and contracts and… BOING!  It can grapple many things!
* You got some Bombs! You can pick up and throw a Bomb you placed (Press the [A] Button)!
* This is a Magic Bottle! You can store an item inside and then use it later!
* You got the Big Key! This is the master key of the brothel.  It can open many locks that small keys cannot.
* You got the Titan’s Mitt! Now you can lift the heaviest whores that were once impossible to budge.
* He gave you the Magic Mirror! This mirror is blue, clear and beautiful… But unfortunately you still can’t see your dick in it.
* This is it!  The Master Dildo! …  …  … Hey… This is bent.
* You borrowed the Big Rubber Net!  There may be some other things you can fuck with it, too.
* You found the Blue Mail! This armor reduces the damage that you take from S.T.D.s!
* You found the Red Mail! This provides even better protection than the Blue Mail!
* Great!  Your dildo is stronger! You can feel the sheer pleasure in between your legs!
* You found the Mirror Shield! You can now reflect beams that your old shield couldn’t block!
* You got the Cane of Whoring! If you swing it once, a ring of pimps will protect you!
* He gives you the Laxative!  Now you can execute a devastating bowel movement that shoots you across the screen! (Hold the [A] Button for a short time.)
* You got the Condom of Leather! You have now collected all three Condoms!  Go forth now to the Slut’s Woods for the Master Dildo!
* You got the Condom of Rubber! Again your power has increased! Now, go for the last one!
* You got the Magical Boomerang! Now you can snag even more panties then before!
* Your shield is improved! Now you can defend yourself against flaming balls!
* These are the Silver Arrows you need to defeat Ganon!
* She filled your bottle with the Morphine Of Magic.  To get a narcotic free is quite a bargain!
* Your dildo is stronger! You can feel its power throbbing in your ass!

Misc. Messages
* Eh?  It’s locked! If you had the Big Key, you might be able to open it!
* You are short on Magic Power! You can’t use this item now. So fuck off!
* You caught a bee!
What will you do?
> Torture it
> Squash it
* You caught a faerie!
What will you do?
> Molest it
> Eat it
*You don’t have any empty bottles.  You have no choice… Just kill it, loser.

Game Text
Zelda:[Clear Window]Help me… Please help me… I am a personal whore in the castle brothel. My name is Zelda. The pimp, Fagahnim, has done… something to the other missing whores. Now only I remain… Fagahnim has seized control of the brothel and is now trying to open the seven dwarves’ seal. …   … I am trapped in the brothel of the castle. I’m wet for you…

Uncle: [Name], bitch. I’m going to get drunk. Don’t leave the house, or I’ll beat your ass.

Gold Guards Outside (messages loop for all guards):
* What’re you doing up this late, kid?  We’re trying to get drunk here!  Now fuck off!
* I see you brought a map so you can get lost.  (Press the [X] Button to see your map).
* You look horny for a kid.  How hard can you fuck?  (Press the [A] Button while touching a thing to fuck it.)
* I’ll bet you can’t wait until you are old enough to use a dildo! (Press the [ B ] Button to use your dildo when you get it.)
* That mark on your map must be useless.
* You can often find sex toys in chests.  (Press the [A] Button in front of a chest to open it.)
* We like molesting brats, kid. We’ve already had your ass. But you already know that!

Gold Guard at Castle Gate (loops):
* Hey hey!  You’re not allowed in the castle, son! Go home and masturbate!
* After Fagahnim took over, everyone began to act strangely. I suppose it’s only a matter of time before I’m affected, too.

Annoying Interrupting Messages from Zelda:
* [Clear Window]Help me… I am trapped in the brothel of the castle. I know there is a hidden path from outside of the castle to the garden inside.

Uncle (In Hyrule Castle): Unnh… [Name], the fuck are you doing here, bitch?  I told you not to leave the house… Take my dildo and shield and listen.  You can focus power in the dildo (hold the [ B ] Button). …Then release it using the secret sex technique handed down by our people… [Name], you can do it! Save the Whores… Or I’ll fucking kill you… …

Zelda (Rescuing her): [Name], it’s about time you fucking showed up. [Name], listen carefully.  The pimp is sexually controlling all the soldiers in the castle. I fear the worst for my father… The pimp is an inhuman fiend with strong sexual powers! …   …   …
Do you understand?
> Yes
> Not at all

All right, let’s get the hell out of here before the pimp notices. I know a secret path, but first we have to go to the first floor.  Let’s go!

Zelda Being an Annoying Interrupting Twat Again:
* There is a secret passage in the throne room that leads to Bordello.  I’m sure the old fag there will help us.
* That sex toy display should open.  Do you have a light? It’s pitch dark inside and you can’t see without one. Let’s get the fuck out of here! Help me push it from the left!
* After passing through these sewers, we will be very close to Bordello! Let’s be careful!
* Bordello is just beyond that door.  Pull the switch over there.
* You have to pull the lever to open the door.  (Press the [A] Button and hold Down on the Control Pad. )

The Priest: Princess Zelda, you slut! Why are you here with [Name]?

Zelda: It was [Name] who helped me escape from the brothel! When I was captive the pimp said, “Once I have fucked you, the final whore, the seal of the dwarves will open.” …    …    … [Name], you must not let the land of Hyrule fall into the pimp’s clutches. If he releases the seal of the seven dwarves, evil power will overwhelm this land. Before that happens… before it’s too late… destroy the pimp before he screws all of Hyrule!  You can do it! You can…

The Priest: I sense that a mighty evil force guides the pimp’s actions and augments his sex drive.  The only weapon potent enough to defeat the pimp is the legendary Master Dildo. It is said that the village queer is a descendant of one of the seven dwarves.  Maybe he can tell you more… I will mark his gay bar on the map.  But watch your every move!  I am certain that the soldiers will be looking to rape you now!  …   …   …[Map Mark Sound] I will hide Princess Zelda here. Do not worry!  Seek the queer! …    …    …
Do you understand?
> Yes
> Not at all

The Priest: Meet the village queer and get the Master Dildo.

Zelda: [Name], I’ll let you fuck me once you save Hyrule!

Kakariko Village People

Old Man: Who? Oh, it’s you, [Name]! How can I fuck you, young man?  The queer?  Oh, no one has seen him since the pimp began collecting whores… …   …   … What?  Master Dildo?  Well, I don’t remember the details exactly, but…  Long ago, a perverted people known as the Hylia inhabited this land… Legends tell of many sex toys that the Hylia hid throughout the land… The Master Dildo, a mighty dildo forged against those with evil hearts, is one of them.  People say that it now sleeps deep in the Slut’s Woods. … … …
Do you understand the legend?
> Yes
> Not at all

Anyway, look for the queer. There must be someone in the village who knows where he is. You take care now, [Name]…

Town Criers:  Hey!  Here is [Name], the pervert!  Soldiers!  Come and rape this bitch!

Old Man in Pub: …mumble mumble…  My son liked to lure whores away with his flute and molest them, but he went to look for the Golden Porno and has not returned… … … I wonder where he is and what he is doing now?… …  Zzzzzz  Zzzzzz
* …mumble mumble…  Oh?  This is my son’s flute…! Did you meet my son? Where is he?  Is he all right? … … … … Oh, I see…  Well, I can tell what you want to say by the look in your eyes…
* Would you keep the flute? And will you play its sweet melody for the bird in the village square? I beg of you, please! My son would probably want it this way… …But still, I wish I could see him once more…
* Zzzzzzz  Zzzzzzzz …  …  … Snore  Zzzzzz  Zzzzzz

Old Woman: Oh, [Name].  The rumors say you kidnapped the Princess, but I still trust you.

Running Man: I can’t believe you caught me! With your speed it must have been easy to kidnap Zelda… You don’t look like such a bad guy, though… Anyway, because you have such quick feet, it might be a good idea to run and bash into many things other than whores. For example, the trees in this village have many useful things hanging in their branches… Well, just try it, OK?!

Racing House
* If you can reach the goal within 15 seconds, we will give you something good. Ready, Set… …  GO!
* This try your time was [time on clock] seconds.
* You qualified! Congratulations! I present you with a piece of Heart!
* You’re not qualified. You dumb fuck! Why don’t you try again?
* I don’t have anything more to give you. Fuck off!
* You have to enter the maze from the proper entrance or I can’t clock your time…

Bottle Seller
* You, sir!  Have you been going through life without one of my sperm holding bottles? Well step right up and make your life complete!  I’ve got one on sale now for the low, low price of 100 Rupees!
What do you say?  Interested?
> I’ll take one
> What the fuck?
* Good buy!  Thanks a lot! Now, hold it above your head for the whole world to see, OK? It’s good for business!
* So you’re broke, eh?  Too bad… Come back after you earn more Rupees.  It might still be here.
* I’m all sold out of bottles. Come back later, OK?   … … …
* Wow!  I’ve never seen such a rare bug!  I’ll buy it for 100 Rupees, OK?  Done!
* Hey!  They say eating fish makes you smart.  You have to give me this fish for this stuff, OK?  Done!

Dwarf Shop
* If my lost partner returns, we can fuck with your dildo, but now, I can’t do anything for you.
* Ribbit ribbit…  Your body did not change!  You are not just an ordinary guy, are you? I used to live in Kraporiko Town. I wonder what my partner is doing there without me… Ribbit!  I have a request of you. Please take me to my partner! Please!  Ribbit!  Please!
* Oh!  Happy days are here again! You found my sex partner! …  We are very happy now… Drop by here again! At that time, we will fuck your dildo perfectly!
* Hey you! Welcome!
Ask us to do anything!
> Fuck with my Dildo
> I just dropped by
* I’ll give you a big discount!
>Dildo fucked with… 10 Rupees
> Wait a minute
* Fucked with, eh?  Are you sure?
> Yes
> I changed my mind
* Well, we can’t make it any stronger than that… Sorry!
* Drop by again anytime you want to.  Hi ho!  Hi ho! We’re off to work!
* All right, no problem. We’ll have to keep your dildo for a while.
* I’m sorry, we’re not done yet. Cum back after a while.
* Your dildo is fucked-up! Now hold it!

Potion Shop
Witch Outside: Double, double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble… Making L.S.D., I am…
* Mmmmm…  The smell of rotten fruit…  If you give me that Mushroom, I can finish my L.S.D. Heh heh…
* Heh heh…  Thank you, young man…  Come back to the shop later for something good… Heh heh…

Witch Inside: Red is the morphine of life. Green is the morphine of magic. Blue renews both life and magic. Here, taste a sample of the Red Morphine…  He he!
* If you want to buy morphine, you should bring a bottle to put it in…  He he he!
* Without a magic bottle, you can not buy morphine. He he he!
* No,  no,  no…  Dumbass. That’s a full bottle. He he he!
* Heh heh heh…  Thank you! This is the Morphine of Life. Use it to regain your Life power.
* Heh heh heh…  Thank you! This is the Morphine of Magic. You can recharge your mystic energy with it.
* Heh heh heh…  Thank you! This is the Morphine of Life and Magic!  You can recover both!

Elder with Ridiculously Long name: I am, indeed, Mesotiny, the village queer and a descendant of the seven dwarves. …   … Oh really? [Name], I am surprised a young man like you is searching for the dildo of evil’s bane. Not just anyone can use that sex toy.  Legends say only the Hero who has won the three Condoms can wield the dildo. …   …   …
Do you really want to find it?
> Fuck Yeah!
> Of Course!

Good.  As a test, can you retrieve the Condom Of Porno from the East Brothel? If you bring it here, I will tell you more of the legend and give you a magical sex toy. [Map Mark Sound] Now, go forward to the brothel.

Elder (after the Eastern Palace): Oh!?  You got the Condom of Porno!  Now I will tell you more of the legend… Three or four generations ago, an order of perverts protected the royalty of the Hylia. These Pimps of Hyrule were also guardians of the Condom of Porno. Unfortunately, most of them were destroyed in the great war against evil that took place when the seven dwarves created their seal.  Among the descendants of the Pimps of Hyrule a hero must appear. …I see.  [Name], I believe you. You should get the remaining Condoms. And carry this with you. This is a sex toy passed down by the seven dwarves. I want you to have it.

Tablet into the Desert Palace: To open the way to go forward, Make your wish here and it will be granted.

Guy Under Bridge: Yo!  [Name]! You seem to be in a ton of shit, but this is all I can give you.

Annoying Old Man
* I don’t know who you are, but if you are going to go up the mountain, will you take me with you?  I promise not to hump you…
* Uhhh…  Watch your step. There are holes in the ground. Could you turn right here? Young man, are you also going to the mountain to look for the Golden Porno? Just ahead is a mountain full of mobsters.  Many people have vanished in this mountain while looking for the Golden Porno. I don’t want to steer you wrong, so please don’t get too involved in such a mad quest.
* Uhh…  There must be a Heart in the bottle. (?????)
* Uhh…  Turn right here…   …You know, I have a granddaughter who is your age…  The King took her to the brothel and she never returned. Kidnapping those whores must be part of the pimp’s plot! I’m sure he is trying to somehow use the power of the descendants of the dwarves…
* The missing whores are still alive somewhere.  I believe that a Hero will rescue them… I wait for that day… Uhh…  These are dangerous times…  I talked too much. Anyway…  Thank you for your kindness to an old man like me. Uhh…  I wanted to give you this.  If you wander into a magical transporter, gaze into this mirror.
* The pimp has deceived the King, and now he is trying to open the way to the S&M World.  To complete your quest, you will need the Moon Pearl, which is in the brothel tower on top of the mountain. All I can do for you now is to comfort your weariness… Come back here any time.
* The Moon Pearl will protect its bearer from the magical air of the Porno Land, so you can keep your human shape there. All I can do for you now is comfort your weariness… Come back here any time.
* [Name], I think the pimp connected the two worlds somewhere around the castle. All I can do for you now is to comfort your weariness… Come back here any time.

Master Sword Tablet: The Hero’s triumph on Cataclysm’s Eve wins three symbols of porn. The Master Dildo he will then retrieve, keeping the Pimp’s line true.

Elder (getting the Master Sword): [Clear Window]Suddenly, Mesotiny contacts you telepathically… …  …  … [Name], it is extraordinary that you won the Master Dildo that makes evil retreat… With this shining dildo, I believe you can deflect the pimp’s sex powers. The destiny of this land is in your hands. Please, [Name]…

Zelda (After the above): [Clear Window][Name]!  Help!  The soldiers are coming to Bordello! AIEEEEEEE! … … …

The Priest: [Name]!  You are too fucking late.  I have failed… Zelda… The soldiers have abducted her. They have taken her to the brothel. You must find her before the pimp screws her. Please…You are our only hope…

Elder (arriving at Dark World): [Clear Window][Name], it is I, Mesotiny. I am fucking your mind across the void through telepathy…  The place where you now stand was the Porno Land, but evil power turned it into the S&M World.  The pimp has broken the dwarves’ seal and opened a gate to link the worlds at Hyrule Castle.  In order to save this half of the world, the Slut World, you must win back the Golden Porno.  You must also rescue the seven whores who Fagahnim sent to the S&M World.  As members of the blood-line of the seven dwarves, they have power that will surely help you. The whores are locked in hidden brothels full of horny creatures and dangerous traps. The Palace of Anal Rape should be your first goal in this world! [Map Mark Sound] [Name], I can rely on only you.  Please make this old fag’s wishes come true. I beg you!

Getting the Flute
*After wandering into this world I turned into this shape. …  …  … I enjoyed playing the flute in the original world…  …  …  … There was a small grove where many animals gathered.  I want to see that place again… I buried my flute there with some flower seeds.
Will you try to find it for me?
> Yes
> No way
* …  …  …  I see.  I won’t ask you again… Good bye.
* Then I will lend you my shovel. Good luck!
* Did you find my flute? …  …  … Please keep looking for it…
* Thank you, [Name].  But it looks like I can’t play my flute any more.  Please take it. If by chance you go to the village I lived in, please give it to a tired old man you will find there. …  …  … Well, my mind is getting hazy… Please let me hear the sound of the flute one last time…

Misc Text
The Priest
* If you defeat the pimp, the soldiers may regain their sanity. Go, seek the Condoms!
* Take the three Condoms into the Slut’s Woods.  The Master Dildo awaits you there.

Zelda
* You should follow the marks the queer made on your map when you explore. If you don’t know what to do next, you can also fuck a fortune teller.
* [Name], you are wonderful! As I thought, you have the power of the Hero inside you! Now, you should get the Master Dildo.  I am confident that you can defeat the evil pimp!

Idiots on Death Mountain
* Ohhh, [Name].  Your cock looks marvelous…  Please save us from Fagahnim the evil pimp!

That Elder with the Ridiculously Long Name that I have no Hope of Spelling Properly
* I am too old to fuck. I can only rely on you.
* Other relatives of the dwarves are hiding from the evil pimp’s sex slaves. You should find them.
* [Clear Window][Happens if you don't have the Moon Pearl upon arriving in the Dark World]But I see you’re a fuck bunny… Before you go any further, find the Moon Pearl on Death Mountain.  It will protect you from the S&M World’s magic so you can keep your heroic figure.
* A helpful sex toy is hidden in the cave on the east side of Lake Hylia.  Get it!
* You are correct, young man! I am Mesotiny, the village queer and a descendant of the seven dwarves. … … … What? [Name], I’m surprised a young man like you is looking for the dildo of evil’s bane.  Not just anyone can use that dildo. According to the tales handed down by the Hylia, only the Hero who has destroyed three horny devils and won the three Condoms can wield the dildo… … … … I see you have acquired the Condom of Porno.  I will tell you about the legend behind it. Three or four generations ago, an order of perverts protected the royalty of the Hylia. These Pimps of Hyrule were also guardians of the Condom of Porno. Unfortunately, most of them were destroyed in the great war against evil that took place when the seven dwarves created their seal.  Among the descendants of the Pimps of Hyrule a hero must appear. …I see.  [Name], I believe you. You should get the remaining Condoms. And carry this with you. This is a sex toy passed down by the seven dwarves. I want you to have it.

Dark World Citizens
* Well howdy, Slut Worlder! You look like a straight man…  Want to try your skill in my shooting gallery? I’ll give you five shots for 20 Rupees.  If you’re as sexy as I think you are, you stand to rake in the Rupees.
How about it, stranger?
> Fuck yeah
> Cocksucker

* All right!  Aim carefully! Ready?  CUM!
* Well little bastard, you can turn yourself right around and get the fuck out of here. See you later!  Have a pissy day!
* Want to shoot again?
> Continue
> Quit

Annoying Dark World Trees
* Wow!  I haven’t seen a normal person in a few hundred years! Let me waste your time.
* Do you know about the Gargoyle statue in the village? People say they can hear a girl calling for help from under the statue.  I hope she’s single…
* Surprisingly, the Triforce created this world to fulfill Ganon’s wish. What is Ganon’s wish, you ask?  It is to rule the entire cosmos!  Don’t you think it might be possible with the power of the Triforce behind you?
* I once lived in the Slut’s Woods, until the day I wandered into a magic transporter… The power of the S&M World quickly turned me into this cock shape… I guess the two forests are connected with each other…
* I heard that using Bombs is the best way to defeat the one-eyed giants. That’s all I know!
* Quit bothering me!  And watch where you’re going when you dash around!

Pond of Happiness
* –POND OF HORNINESS– Throw some Rupees in and a fine whore will surely appear.
Do you want to throw Rupees?
> Throw a few
>Don’t feel like it
*Horniness increased [# you threw in] Rupees. In total, your Horniness is [Total # Rupees threw in]. You become hornier by one step.
* I will make your wish come true.
> I want to carry more Bombs
> I want to carry more Arrows
* Then I will increase your carrying ability so you can carry [Current amount +5] Bombs at maximum. This is just a small bit of horniness I can give to you.
* Then I will increase your carrying ability so you can carry [Current amount +10] Arrows at maximum. This is just a small bit of horniness I can give to you.
* I cannot grant any more wishes for you, but a friend of mine might be able to… She lives in the Waterfall of Pimping near Zora’s lake. I will return your Rupees to you.  May you be horny…

Item Changing Fairies
* Select an item using the Control Pad and throw it using the [Y] Button.[Item]
* Hello there.  Did you drop this?
> Yes
>No, I didn’t
* I like an honest person. I will give you a blowjob in return.
* Are you sure this is not yours?
> Really, it isn’t
>To tell the truth, it is
* Now, now, don’t tell me a lie. Take it and fuck off.

Telepathic Tiles (all clear windows)
* [Name], it is I, Mesotiny.  I can talk to you telepathically when you touch these tiles. Here is a hint.  You can use the treasure hidden in this brothel to screw armored foes.
* [Name], it is I, Mesotiny the queer.  An orb known as the Moon Pearl is in this tower. Whoever holds the Moon Pearl is protected so that his form will not change in the S&M World. You must find it and escape from the tower! Don’t forget the Moon Pearl…
* [Name], it is I, Mesotiny. You must somehow make your way to the top of Testicle Rock.  From there you can reach the Tower of Herpes on top of Death Mountain.
* [Name], it is I, Mesotiny. Objects exist simultaneously in both worlds with similar shapes. If the form of a thing changes, it will affect the shape of its twin in the other world.
* [Name]…  It’s me, Zelda… Don’t be deceived by the sex of Blind the Thief!  Be careful!
* [Name],  it is I, Mesotiny the queer!  You must set fire to four torches to open the way forward.
* When Ganon is stunned, give him his last moment with a Silver Arrow! Do you understand, [Name]?
* [Name], can you hear me? It’s me, Zelda.  I am locked in Squirtle Rock on top of Death Mountain.  I know you are doing your best, but please hurry…
* [Name], it is I, Mesotiny. You must never fail to find all the treasures in each brothel.
* Listen well, [Name]. Even with the Master Dildo, you cannot inflict physical harm on the pimp. You must find a way to return his own evil sex power to him.
* [Name], do not use all your magic power if you do not possess the Morphine of Magic. Now, get ready to go into the depths of this brothel.
* [Name], do you possess the Morphine of Magic?  If not, I recommend against going any further.
* [Name], the magic flames will protect you inside this icy dungeon.
* You cannot destroy the Skeleton Knight with the Dildo alone.  When he collapses, hit his ass with a bomb.
* [Name], it is I, Mesotiny the queer.  I have some advice… In the brothels, you can gaze into the Magic Mirror to return to the entrance at any time. Do not forget this!
* My name is Chris Hungover. This is my drinking room. Don’t steal any o my cash, bitch!

Fortune Teller
* Hmmm…  You look like you might have an interesting destiny… May I tell your fortune?
I’ll make it cheap…
> Ask him to tell it
> Not interested
* It is indeed a poor man who is not interested in his future… I’ll be waiting for your return.
* Well, I have to say my condition isn’t very good today.  But I want you to come back again…
* Hocus pocus! You will find the elder Mesotiny…
* Abracadabra alakazam! You will open a desert lock with the Book of Mudora.
* Hocus pocus! You will find a member of the dwarves’ line in the desert.
* Abracadabra alakazam! You will find a L.S.D. lover at the Drug Shop…
* Hocus pocus! You will meet Zora living in a lake at the river’s source…
* Abracadabra alakazam! The true Hero will find the Moon Pearl in the mountain brothel.
* Hocus pocus! Even the mighty Master Dildo cannot harm the pimp’s body.
* Abracadabra alakazam! The true Hero will jump into the well near the smithy’s shop.
* Hocus pocus! You will meet a strange man standing in the desert…
* Abracadabra alakazam! The gossip shop in the S&M World has treasure for the taking…
* Hocus pocus! You will find the smith’s partner in the Village Of Losers.
* Abracadabra alakazam! You will find a treasure resting in peace in the graveyard.
* Hocus pocus! You will buy a new kind of bomb in the Bomb Shop.
* Abracadabra alakazam! You will find something inside the pyramid of the S&M World.
* Hocus pocus! You will run into a barrier if you try to enter Ganon’s tower.
* Abracadabra alakazam! You will need Silver Arrows to give Ganon his last moment.
* Now I will take [Cost of fortune.  Depends on the Fortune Teller] Rupees. I hope you will be healthy. Yeehah ha hah!

Random Game Ideas
Something I was going to do for the $450 Contest, until I realized the dude wanted everything completely from scratch.  Saving here for posterity.

The Criteria:
The protagonist has to be a member of a ragtag band that is competing/fighting against vastly superior numbers. Solo protagonists are acceptable as well.
The protagonist in this game is a vampire.  Vampires obviously are outnumber by humans.

The playable character(s) have to be bad guys.
Humans view vampires as bad guys, and the protagonists was far from innocent anyway.

A panda must feature prominently in the game.
The panda was going to be the protagonist’s side kick, and part of many cutscenes and even involved in two of her attacks.  Now that I’m not going for the contest, I’ll probably make it something that makes more sense, like a bat.

No orcs, elves, dwarves etc. I don’t mind a fantasy game but please no bloody D&D/Tolkienesque stuff. Aliens, robots, mutants and zombies are fully acceptable.
Game takes place in feudal Japan.

Character Info
The main character is one heavily inspired by Akashiya Moka from Rosario + Vampire, at least in looks anyway.  She’s a busty, flashy, and stubborn vampire with a vengeance complex.  She’s from England, visiting vampires in other countries to work out peace arrangements between clans.

The secondary character is more of a cute mascot that accompanies the main character from the start.  The character is even involved in two of the main character’s skills: the first skill she learns and the last skill she acquires.

System
The scripts involved are more of an experiment.  The idea was to make a pseudo-sidescroller with RPG elements, similar to Castlevannia.  To do this, I was going to use the XAS system in conjunction with a jumping script.  Obviously, I would also need a script to disable up and down movement via the up/down keys unless on special tiles (like doors).

The menu is a very nice menu system by Samo the Thief, with some edits by Arby.

The Story
Simple story: the main character is staying with a clan of Japanese vampires, when the house they’re based in is attacked, and all of the vampires except the main character are killed by demon hunting humans.  Pissed off at coming so close to death, the main character sets out to get revenge, accompanied by a little sidekick that just doesn’t go away no matter how hard she tries.

Project Atmosfear
Full Name: Atmosfear: The Gatekeeper
Important Features: XAS Hero System, time based play, 1-person menu system, choose what character to play
Reference Site: Wiki article (and the links therein)

Game Play Flow

• Game Starts with player selecting what character they want to be: Mummy, Witch, Werewolf, Poltergeist, Zombie, or Vampire.
• The player is asked to input their greatest fear.  Said fear is stored into a variable to be used later.
• Player starts in their character’s province, and are given an introduction by the Keeper as well as their character’s key.
• Timer starts.  The player has an hour to go through all five other provinces and battle the other characters for their keys.  All through out, the Gatekeeper will interrupt play to fuck with the player’s progress, or help them accordingly
• At 0:50 on the timer, the Gatekeeper starts to play Havoc, intent on making you mess up.
• When you collect all keys, you can break into the Gatekeeper’s grounds, where a fear will be selected at random.  If it’s your fear that you inputed earlier, the player is put into a fight they cannot win, and it’s Game Over.  If it’s not the player’s fear, then you face the final boss, the Gatekeeper himself.

Provinces and Characters

• Hollywood on the Nile (Khufu the Mummy)
• Punkin (Anne de Chantraine the Witch)
• The Forest le Gevauden (Gevauden the Werewolf)
• The Fairgrounds (Hellin the Poltergeist)
• The Cathedral of Jive (Baron Samedi the Zombie)
• Castle Cathice (Elizabeth Bathory the Vampire)
• The Graveyard Gate (The Gatekeeper)

Things that will Hinder Character Progress

• Banishment - One of the Gatekeeper’s favorite pranks is to banish someone to the Black Hole.  This hinders character movement down to a snail’s crawl for a full minute.
• Monsters - Various monsters inhabit the provinces that will try to make you get a Game Over.
• Other Characters - The other characters aren’t going to give up their keys so easily.  You’ll have to fight them to get them to drop their key.  Time stops for these fights.
• Havoc - The Gatekeeper’s favorite game plays in the last ten minutes of the game.  He’ll do anything from Banishment to making you roll a certain number before you can move again (dice event would be called every 20 seconds or so).
• Your Fear - If your fear is chosen at the end of the game, then you will have to fight a formless and dangerous enemy.  Time stops for this fight, but it doesn’t matter; it’s a fight you cannot win.
• The Gatekeeper - If your fear is not chosen, you will have to fight the final boss, the Gatekeeper himself.  Time stops for this fight; give him everything you’ve got!

Things that will Help Character Progress

• Chance Cards - Chance cards are dropped by enemies, and give you a chance to upgrade your states.  There are no weapons or armor in the game, so how powerful your character is depends on how many upgrades you get, and how many enemies you fight to level.
• Fate Cards - Fate cards are dropped by enemies and determine what kind of Skills you get, or if a skill you currently have gets an upgrade.
• Time Cards - Time cards are also dropped by enemies, and can grant you a variety of things, like freeing you from Banishment or even granting you the key of the province you’re in, allowing you to skip the boss of the province.  They are automatically activated when the timer reaches the time marked on the card.
• Black Rose Cards - A special gift from Elizabeth Bathory, these are the only cards that can restore lost health.  These are also dropped by enemies, but can also be found on the ground.
• Keys - Keys are vital to collect from the various provinces, and can grant you special powers.  Unlike cards, however, these powers are permanent.  For example, if you get a key that saves you from Banishment, you will never have to worry about the slow down effects of the Black Hole.

Total Possible Game Time: Roughly an hour and twenty minutes, depending on how many characters you have to fight.

HM farm game
Sic, you realize this game is going to drive me balls ass insane and the only reason I’d put myself through this much torture is because you liked it?

Anyway, spouting some random crap.  Tell me if you can think of any ways to have it so this can be less painful.  Or whatever.

• I tried putting together the farming and crops events tonight, but that was a fairly dramatic fail.  The way I was going about it would involve millions of switches and variables and shit, and RMXP doesn’t have that many to spare.
  • This is probably going to need to one massive master event on every page with a farming space.  This would need to figure out where the character is, what direction they’re facing, what they’re equipped with, and what tiles will be affected when the character uses the equipped item… somehow.  I have no fucking clue how, but that’s probably what’s going to happen.
  • Lag is going to be a fucking nightmare no matter what because of this.  I wish there was an easy way to like… modify an ABS script or some shit.  I dunno.  Fuck Ruby.
• The calendar system is going to be scripted; there should be a couple for XP.  Like fucking hell I’m going to try to event that.
• Since you suggested borrowing some things from Rune Factory, maybe borrow the fact that some areas are a certain climate all year round?  This way I can set up the shops like they are in RF and not have to tie that in with the calendar system.
• The menu is going to be disabled, and I’m just going to have everything controlled via a HUD.  You’ll be able to scroll through your tools and seed backs with one set of keys (like page up/down), and other holdable items with the other set of keys (…whatever other ones aren’t used).  Of course, you can put things your holding in your bag with the cancel key and pick them up with the confirm key. Using equipped tools will be with whatever key is left over.  Making the HUD itself will be easy (I actually CAN script that!  Hurf durf), it’s just getting the cycling through equipment and items and making the other buttons do what they’re supposed to that’s going to be a major bitch, mostly because I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Sigh.

All this just for the farming; haven’t even touched livestock yet.  I’m going to lose my mind at this rate.